The overall goal I have in working with couples is helping create, enhance a new interaction. I rely on the Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) framework as a map because it fosters a way of helping one "build a bridge of inner experience to outer world interaction". The reality is the we have certain positions / styles of relating that affects us and others around us. Dr. Sue Johnson notes "a partner's position not only reflects a person's experience, it creates it". This means what we perceive from another person absolutely creates a certain personality / way of interacting in the relationship. I find that it is less about one person being right or wrong but more about the combined interactive pattern. That's why is so hard to break a certain cycle of fights (i.e. the same old song and dance). Many respond that they seem to have the same fights over and over. This is due to the cyclical pattern. This pattern is really the problem not the other. Therefore, the first step in the process is "to identify the pattern / position we rely on in times of vulnerabilities".
It is after we have stepped out of the dance, come around our wall of defense that we can begin to be open to dancing a new dance / connecting in a new way.
These are notes taken from Dr. Sue Johnson's book entitled "Becoming an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist".